Lived Experiences: My Story
- May 13, 2023
- 3 min read
Content Warnings: religion, homophobia
Written by Emma Louise Constable
If you have ventured to my "about" page, you may have seen a part of my story, here I want to talk about it more, as well as bring in the experiences of other bi+ people into the spotlight.
I am no longer ignorant of my feelings but wholeheartedly acceptive of every little bit of my inner being.
About Me.
After moving from England at five, I grew up in San Jose, California. I lived quite a lovely childhood, which had its ups and downs, but I am thankful for the upbringing that my parents supplied me with and the support they showed me. I was brought up in a sect of Christianity that opposed opposite-sex attractions, the concept of other genders, and being transgender. I believed that being a part of the LGBTQ+ community was a sin. I thought that you could never be happy if you were in the community and that you were filling an earthly void that could only be filled by God and living in a heterosexual relationship.
However, deep down, I knew I was attracted to other genders. I remember seeing Princess Leia on my fat-backed TV for the first time and constantly thinking about her beauty. The same thing happened when I saw Padmé for the first time. God, aren't they beautiful. I felt for the longest time that it was just an admiration of the beauty of women, but as time went on, I knew it was because I found women attractive. I pushed all those feelings down while I was an active church member, learning about the dangers of being gay and nodding along. As time passed, I started thinking about the LGBTQ+ community more and more.
If all they want is love, is it really that bad?
After all, God is Love; why would He not condone LGBTQ+ people?
For years, I battled this. But it all came to a boiling point in 2019, when I started doing some reflection, and then 2020 rolled around, I renounced my faith. For years, Christianity was my identity. I was a worship leader, played a significant role in my youth groups, went around evangelizing and publicly worshipping, and I even wanted to go on missions and make a career out of being a worship singer. But I had the crushing realization that I do not believe in a god. I remember the weight that lifted off my shoulders, the constant putting myself to an unreachable high standard of living, just gone in one instant.
I do not believe in a god.
I put away my bible.
I don't think I could ever adequately explain how my religious anxiety about constantly worshipping god with my life disappeared after I realized this simple fact. I thought about myself for once; I thought about what I wanted. I realized that I am not selfish but genuinely myself, thinking about my goals and passions. Not gods.
And then, while watching the live-action Aladdin movie while being sick and eating some popcorn, I looked at Jasmine on the screen. I said to myself, "I am bisexual," and I thought about all the times I had feelings and attractions for women and people of other genders. I allowed myself to feel those bottled-up emotions and realized that I felt like my true self. I am no longer ignorant of my feelings but wholeheartedly acceptive of every little bit of my inner being.
Now, in college and taking a gender studies class, I read an article called "Bisexuality, Men, and Me" by Robyn Ochs, and her end remark felt like a breath of fresh air, because I felt the same thing:
"At any rate, it is entirely clear to me that it was loving a woman that made me realize I had fallen outside of my “script [compulsory heterosexuality],” which in turn forced me to realize that there was a script. From there, I moved toward a critical self-awareness and the realization that I could shape and write my own life."
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